The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
