Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
