i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
