My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
