yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't put those talents on a resume
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
