If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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