highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
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