this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
