You smell like a Billy Joel song
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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