That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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