we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
