Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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