you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
