Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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