it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
