chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You pole danced in your parka.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
