There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
