I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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