omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
