I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
