My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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