Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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