I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
