Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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