Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
