she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
