the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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