His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
