Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
