she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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