I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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