I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize