I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
