This house was built for laser tag.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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