Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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