Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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