im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
