I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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