Umm I'm too high to move.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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