Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
