Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
