after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
