I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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