his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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