Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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