do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize