I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
