You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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