So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
