found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
