some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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