Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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