Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
