I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize
