My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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