Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
