Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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