Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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