There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
