just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
