If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
